Is it love or control?

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Reconnaître et comprendre

Why is it sometimes so difficult to end a relationship that hurts us?

Love is often synonymous with trust, security, respect, and the freedom to be oneself. Yet, some relationships gradually evolve into dynamics where someone questions their own worth, where they hold back from expressing themselves out of fear, and where they end up modifying their behaviour to avoid their partner's reactions.

In these relationships, violence is not always apparent. There are not necessarily blows, screams, or spectacular incidents. It can emerge insidiously, through behaviours that, considered individually, but taken as a whole, reveal a dynamic of domination and control.

Seeing how coercive control and trauma bonding operate contributes to a better understanding of these mechanisms. Furthermore, it sheds light on why it can be so difficult to recover.

Coercive control is much more than jealousy

Coercive control refers to a set of repeated behaviours that aim to restrict a person's freedom, autonomy, and decision-making power within their relationship. It is not an isolated event, but a dynamic that can gradually make a person feel trapped in their relationship.

This control can manifest itself in various ways:

  • Social isolation: which manifests itself in different ways. This can involve avoiding contact with friends and family, stirring up tension within one's social circle, or making the other person understand that their loved ones represent a threat to the relationship.
  • Surveillance: consisting of demanding access to one’s phone, controlling movements, constantly interrogating social interactions or monitoring social networks.
  • Emotional control: alternating between affection and hostility, making the other person feel guilty, minimizing their emotions or making them bear the responsibility for conflicts.
  • Intimidation and threats: to instill fear through threats, aggressive behaviour or stated consequences in case of disagreement.
  • Control of autonomy: to influence clothing choices, leisure activities, personal decisions, financial management or relationships with others.

Not all of these behaviours are necessarily present in every relationship, and their meaning can vary depending on the context. However, repetition, one’s ability to function, and the consequences for the person in question’s freedom are key indicators of coercive control.

A crucial question arises: Can we truly speak of love when a person must gradually sacrifice their freedom to preserve their relationship?

Why control is not proof of love

Sometimes, jealousy is presented as proof of attachment. Surveillance can be justified by a need for reassurance, and restrictions can be perceived as protective measures. However, the intensity of the emotions does not guarantee the quality or security of a relationship.

Loving someone doesn't mean you own them. Love doesn't give you absolute control over their activities, friends, body, or decisions.

In a healthy relationship, partners can express their insecurities, discuss their differences of opinion, and establish mutual boundaries. However, these boundaries should not be used to demand submission, instill fear, or restrict the other person's autonomy.

Coercive control therefore differs from a simple lovers’ quarrel: It is a dynamic in which authority becomes unbalanced and where the freedom of one person is restricted for the benefit of another.

The person subjected to this control may end up anticipating their partner's reactions. They may also modify their behaviour to avoid tension and question their own perceptions. Consequently, they no longer make certain decisions based on their desires, but rather on the outcomes they fear.

Gradually, a single question may replace all others:"How can I avoid upsetting him?”"

It is easy to misinterpret this adaptation as evidence of oversensitivity, dependency, or an inability to set boundaries. However, when a person becomes accustomed to continually adapting their behaviour to feel safe, it is crucial to consider the context in which this adaptation developed.

Control does not need to involve physical violence to have profound consequences. Recent in-depth research and a synthesis of the results of several studies, published in the journal Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, have highlighted a link between exposure to coercive control and symptoms of post-traumatic stress and depression (Lohmann et al., 2024).

Why do moments of tenderness create confusion in the situation?

A relationship characterized by control may not be negative at every moment. This is precisely what makes understanding the situation complex.

There are moments when intimacy reigns, when declarations of love are exchanged, when future plans are made, when sincere apologies seem to be offered, and when tender gestures are made. After an argument, the person may show attentiveness, commit to improving themselves, or revert to their former personality, as their partner knew them at the beginning of their relationship.

These moments can be genuinely experienced as beautiful and meaningful by the person who receives them, but they do not erase the abusive behaviours that surround them.

When a relationship is marked by alternating periods of tension, episodes of psychological violence, and moments of reconciliation, the hope of finding the loving version of the partner can become particularly strong.

The person is not only seeking to protect their relationship, but also to rediscover the feelings of security, intimacy, and happiness they have previously experienced with their partner.

She might be thinking:

"I know he can be caring."

"He acknowledged his mistakes; maybe this time will be different."

"If I find the right words, he'll understand."

"I don't want to abandon everything we've built."

These reflections do not suggest that the individual freely consents to the violence or that he does not understand what is happening. Rather, they may reflect his attachment, his dreams, his happy memories linked to this relationship, as well as the complexity of having to manage two seemingly opposing realities: the person who hurts her and the one she loves.

It is in this context that the notion of trauma bond, can shed light on certain lived events.

The traumatic bond: persistence of attachment despite suffering

The concept of "trauma bond" refers to an attachment that can form or persist in a relationship characterized by violence, power imbalances, and oscillations between fear and intimacy.

It is crucial to emphasize that traumatic bonding is not a recognized clinical diagnosis. Rather, it is a concept used to describe certain dynamics in relationships, and not a comprehensive explanation of all obstacles to separation.

In some unhealthy relationships, periods of distress alternate with moments of comfort or affection. This succession of moments can strengthen the bond and maintain hope that the relationship will return to its initial state.

A person may experience a deep desire to reunite with their partner, despite knowing that the relationship is harmful to them. They may feel nostalgia and idealize certain memories, minimize painful events, or constantly try to understand the other person's contradictions.

This behaviour can be explained by the theory of intermittent reinforcement. In the psychology of learning, a behaviour can be particularly persistent when the reward seems unpredictable rather than systematic.

In a relationship, this idea can shed light on why unexpected moments of tenderness or reconciliation can fuel hope and encourage someone to remain committed to the bond. However, not all abusive relationships should be reduced to a simple mechanism of conditioning: attachment, personal history, material constraints, fear, and social context are also determining factors.

A traumatic bond doesn't mean the person enjoys suffering, nor does it mean they are weak or deliberately choosing to remain in a harmful situation. They may feel affection for their partner, regret the relationship, and desire change, all while recognizing that their actions are detrimental. It's possible to develop deep bonds with someone without feeling safe with them. This is one of the key concepts to grasp when exploring traumatic bonding.

Why is it so difficult to leave despite the violence?

From the outside, the solution seems obvious: if the relationship is hurting you, why not leave?

This question overlooks the emotions, memories, hopes, habits and concrete security issues related to separation, which are not solely a rational decision. Several factors can explain why a person stays in an abusive relationship or makes separation difficult.

1. The hope of rediscovering the relationship from the beginning
The person may cling to good memories and hope that their partner will change. They may also believe that the difficulties are temporary.

2. Confusion and self-doubt
When a person's perceptions are constantly challenged, they may doubt themselves. They may wonder if they are exaggerating, if they are responsible for the conflicts, or if they are misinterpreting their partner's behaviour.

3. Fear and anticipation of the consequences
Separation can be difficult due to threats, financial dependencies, isolation, family responsibilities, or fear of the other person's reaction. Controlling behaviours may persist.

4. Emotional investment
Leaving a relationship can be difficult, as it means grieving for a person, an imagined future, a hoped-for family, or a life in the process of being built.

5. Reactions to stress and trauma
Prolonged exposure to fear and unpredictability can affect psychological well-being. Some people have difficulty concentrating, experience anxiety, or significant emotional distress. Reactions vary from person to person and do not allow for a diagnosis.

Difficulty leaving should not be confused with a lack of understanding of the situation. A person may recognize the destructiveness of the relationship but still feel a deep attachment to their partner. Leaving an abusive relationship is not just a matter of willpower. Context, safety, and resources must be taken into account.

After the breakup: how come missing someone doesn’t mean the relationship was healthy?

The end of a controlling relationship can be difficult. A person may experience various emotions, such as relief, sadness, anger, or nostalgia, even if they know why the relationship ended. This ambivalence can be destabilizing and lead the person to question the decision made, the exaggeration of events or the need to return. Missing someone is not an indicator of a healthy relationship, nor is it a reason to go back. The grief of a broken heart involves not only the loss of a real person, but also shared memories, daily routines, and imagined possibilities. Even after abusive behaviour, positive feelings persist. The person may seek to understand the reasons for their partner's actions, whether the happy moments were sincere, and whether they made any mistakes. It is normal to seek meaning after suffering, but seeking an explanation indefinitely from the person responsible is not always the solution.

Reconstruction can begin by distinguishing one's feelings from one's decisions, by acknowledging the facts without denying one's memories, and by restoring one's self-confidence. This does not mean that one should stop loving, forgetting, or forgiving. Emotional detachment has no set timeframe.

It can be facilitated by support, time and secure relationships, and, if necessary, professional guidance.

Recognizing control in order to regain one's freedom

Understanding coercive control and traumatic attachment allows us to shift our perspective. Instead of asking why someone stayed or why they still have feelings for them, we can examine the dynamics that made the relationship difficult to leave.

This perspective is essential to reducing victim guilt and understanding the consequences of psychological violence.

A few questions can help to reflect on the dynamics of a relationship:

  • Can I express my opinions without fear of consequences?
  • Can I reconcile friendships, activities, and personal interests?
  • Are my boundaries being respected, even if my partner disagrees?
  • Do I often feel responsible for the emotions, reactions, or behaviours of others?
  • Do apologies lead to lasting change, or do behaviours simply repeat themselves?
  • Does this relationship allow me to feel safe and to be myself?

These questions are not a diagnostic tool, but they can help identify warning signs and encourage reflection on safety and well-being within the relationship. If someone recognizes themselves in these situations, they don't have to wait until the violence becomes physical to seek help. They can talk to a trusted person or a specialized service. In the presence of control or threats, it is better to develop a safety plan than to confront their partner or leave alone. In Canada, specialized resources and services are available to support victims of domestic violence, even if they are unsure whether to end the relationship.

Love shouldn't require us to erase ourselves to preserve the relationship. Recognizing coercive control doesn't mean all memories and feelings were false. A person can deeply love their partner while still enduring behaviours incompatible with a healthy relationship. These experiences are complex because grief isn't limited to what happened, but also encompasses what could have been. However, love isn't measured by the suffering endured, the chances given, or the ability to save someone who refuses to change. Loving shouldn't mean living in fear, monitoring the other person, or giving up one's identity. If someone takes time to detach, it doesn't mean they're incapable of moving on. Emotional bonds don't always break at the same time as understanding events. We can love someone and choose to no longer accept what hurts us. We can miss a relationship without having to return to it. We can mourn a hoped-for future and give ourselves the opportunity to build another where security, respect and freedom are non-negotiable.

A balanced relationship does not require giving up one's identity to be loved. On the contrary, it allows one to preserve their integrity.

About the Author of This Blog: Kim Caron

I am a fourth-year student pursuing a bachelor's degree in special education, with a focus on elementary and secondary education, at UQAC, where I am also completing minors in psychology and English linguistics. I am also involved in a research project, which allows me to deepen my knowledge and further develop my interest in understanding human functioning. I am particularly interested in neuropsychology, neuroscience, and mental health, especially the effects of trauma.

Through writing blog articles, I hope to help make scientific knowledge more accessible and raise awareness of various psychological and social issues.

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